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The Defamer correspondent on autumn melanin levels spots the beginnings of what might soon become a full-blown epidemic: overtan C-list celebrities in October. Why do these people insist on looking like the bastard hybrid of basted turkeys and Wilson footballs when Halloween approaches? We think that the status explanation no longer holds, since anyone with a handful of coupons can stand in a booth for five minutes and get their "island vacation" spray-painted on to golden-brown order. Our correspondent reports:

Today I was trekking over to the shoe store in Beverly Hills when I passed by The Farm and spotted reality star and “celebrity” salon owner Jonathan Antin looking ridiculously tan on the patio.

He was sitting with a normal-hued male who seemed a little twee to pull off the long sleeved chopper / tattoo / piercing shirt he was wearing, but whatever. They were both attempting to act very hetero over their salads and although it was pissing rain and was overcast Jonathan sported shades. Normally I wouldn’t think twice about how JA’s skin was so tan that he looked like a mahogany coffee table with hair and sunglasses, but summer’s officially over and what is it with everyone in Hollywood getting WAY too tan lately? I was driving down Wilshire the other day and spotted that woman Giuliana that reads the news on E! looking like a chocolate praying mantis. What sort of message is the kind of tan that makes George Hamilton look like Siouxie Sioux supposed to be sending? I’m incredibly wealthy? I’m incredibly wealthy and spend all my time in St. Barts? I’m so incredibly wealthy that I get really baked and pass out on my yacht all day and wake up looking like a loaf of pumpernickel? Yo Donatella, that shit ain’t cute.