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Not to go all Wall Street Journal on you, but our ears are burning with wildly unsubstaniated rumors that the Viacom Death Star is about to blast Sirius satellite radio with a cash tractor beam (as some media outlets have speculated about and others have largely dismissed) and haul in the company and all of its sexy, newly-acquired debt to keep Howard Stern in the fold at its Infinity Broadcasting division. The crazy chatter further holds that Viacom co-president/future galactic dictator Les Moonves was so despondent over Stern's departure from his loving embrace (and over the possibility that the FM portion of his empire will be decimated) that Stern will now get to do his plain, old, over-the-air radio show in a new, commercial-free format. The upshot: Stern gets to keep his huge audience, Viacom finally shows they aren't taking him for granted, and Moonves gets Sirius' satellite pipleline to eventually deliver mind-control rays for his coming invasion Viacom content into the world's automobiles, assuring there is no place where we will be safe from Real World and Everybody Loves Raymond reruns.

Naturally, we can't confirm any of this, but we'd just like to take a minute to say that we welcome the inevitable Moonves-led apocalypse and will capably serve our gleaming-toothed master, etc etc.