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Let us be among the first to congratulate celebutante-doggystyler-author-fashionista-layabout Paris Hilton in parlaying all of her multihyphenate buzz into one of the most coveted fake awards in the magazine industry, as she was named US Weekly's Young Hollywood Star of the Year in the issue that has just crash-landed in a supermarket rack near you. Brava, Miss Paris! What exactly do you do again? Oh, that's right—the doggystyling thing. There are so many hyphens we forget by the end.

If you're interested in the completely predictable list of youthful stars with the means to hire Hollywood's most tenacious publicists, there are more of US Weekly's winners after the jump. Reader beware: Capricious overuse of the word "hottest" may require you to handle your computer's mouse with oven mitts.

Hottest Star: Paris Hilton, 23

Hottest Couple: Nick Lachey, 30, and Jessica Simpson, 24

Hottest Male Screen Star: Orlando Bloom, 27

Hottest Female Screen Star: Lindsay Lohan, 18

Hottest Ensemble: the cast of "The O.C."

Hottest Triple Threat: Hilary Duff, 16

Hottest Style Icon: Kirsten Dunst, 22

Hottest Newcomer: Ashlee Simpson, 19

Hottest New Look: Nicole Richie, 23

Hottest Male TV Star: Josh Duhamel, 31

Hottest Entrepreneurs: Mary-Kate & Ashley Olsen, 18

Hottest New Couple: Chad Michael Murray, 23, and Sophia Bush, 22

Hottest Comedy Star: Brittany Murphy, 26

Hottest Recording Artist: Christina Aguilera, 23

Hottest New Designer: Nicky Hilton, 20

Hottest TV Comeback: Jen Schefft, 28

Hottest Host: Ryan Seacrest, 29