Defamer Goes Deep Inside The Scientology Celebrity Centre
Defamer asked intrepid, fearless Intern Y to spend some quality time at the Scientology Celebrity Centre in Hollywood. She gamely accepted the potentially dangerous assignment, knowing full well that she may have been returned to Defamer HQ "clear," self-actualized, and no longer cheerily willing to freshen up our morning latte with a shot of Jagermeister or accept the ritualistic beratings brought on by a slow Lindsay Lohan news day. Her brief experience with the Church of Cruise, Travolta, and Ribisi follows after the jump.
Everyone’s heard of Scientology, especially thanks to its famous followers, but no one really knows what goes on behind its doors. They’re a secretive bunch. So Defamer decided to sacrifice send me on a little reconnaissance mission to find out exactly what Scientology has to offer. First things first, I made sure I brought along a buddy for this undercover mission. He was Penhall to my Hansen, 21 Jump Street style, natch. We walked into the Celebrity Centre on Franklin, because what’s the point of going to a Scientology center if it’s not the “Celebrity” one? We were quickly approached and offered help, no the life saving kind just yet, just the directional kind. We asked for an informational meeting and/or tour. This pleased them and they had us write down all our contact information on a “Welcome Card.” Talk about not wasting time. While my buddy had the forethought to lie, I wanted to see how many mailers I would get and for how long so I gave my real information.
We were whisked away for an “Evaluation.” Our Evaluator asked us if we were artists. We’re not, so I asked if that was a prerequisite to being a Scientologist. He reassured me it was not, though a common occupation amongst their devotees. Translation: “No, but our hopes of taking all your money if you become famous and using you for our own advertising are now dashed.” He asked us what barriers in our life are stopping us from reaching our goals. I, being perfect, couldn’t think of any. The Evaluator helpfully offered some suggestions; laziness, procrastination, lacking focus or ambition, etc. My companion gave in and said he procrastinates from time to time. The Evaluator jumped on this and continued to refer to my friend’s procrastination problem throughout the rest of our meeting as if it were really something more serious like heroin addiction. Luckily for us, we were informed that Scientology has the answers to all of our problems (even the serious ones like procrastinating). All we need to do is attend a $35 seminar, and our lives will be forever changed. And if that seminar
doesn’t interest us, they have tons of others!
The one seminar that interested was one for body purification that was heavily advertised around the Centre. It's a program that helps you get all the toxins out of your body, be that from pollution, over the counter medicine, or illegal drugs. Since I ingest a lot of smog living in Los Angeles (and not because of my pesky meth habit), I inquired about it. Turns out it is a 3-4 week program that requires you spend 4-5 HOURS in a sauna every day while taking “special” vitamins and doing some cardio. I think I saw that in an after school special about cults, but kept that to myself. And who has that kind of time? Oh yeah, out-of-work actors.
Once our Evaluator was finished evaluating, we were taken off on a tour of the facilities. They were pretty enough, a little on the gaudy side, definitely expensive looking, and probably a lot to upkeep. Good thing they have a “work in exchange for spiritual enlightenment program.”
As the tour was wrapping up, they made us hold two metal bars attached to a cheap-looking machine that sent harmless electrodes through our body to sense when we were having thoughts. No kidding, our guide had us grab the bars and then asked us a question, which made the needles on the machine detect activity. “Think about something that is causing you stress,” he asked. My mind instantly thought about crazy people hooking me up to a machine that may or may not lead to hypnosis. The needles jumped off the screen. “Boy, you are really stressed! You know, we have just the seminar for that…”After the tour, we were brought back to our Evaluator for one last push on the seminar sign ups. We declined, but he was OK with that. He said they’d call to follow up with us later in the week. I have a feeling this guy will be different though, Mom. I bet he really will call!
