We can't imagine anything more painful than spending our Sunday night at the Illinois Delegate party — other than, of course, working at that very same function. And oh, the things you learn amongst the proletarian handservants! Dennis Hastert doesn't know his Italian rices, apparently, and Republican gift bags are hardly swag-worthy:

Last night, because my crack habit is spiraling out of control, I waitressed at the opening night/Illinois Delegates party at Times Square Studios. Apparently I didn't look like a total crackwhore, I was assigned to the VIP area-there's such a thing as a Republican VIP?- and had to look after the Speaker of the House.

Early in the evening I brought some appetizers, including risotto cakes, to the man just a few precarious steps of succession away from the presidency. And our Speaker doesn't know what risotto is . So I stand there, in an awful uniform and hair that had to be made "more conservative,"and explain the concept of rice becoming risotto. He doesn't get it. I excuse myself because I'm afraid of completely cracking and on my way to the bathroom I walk through the main space with the tray and another badly dressed Republican asks what risotto is and, after eating two amuse bouches, says, "it's like rice and cheese wrapped in a bit ova hush puppie."

The important stuff, the gift:

The most godawful, butt-ugly picture frame with New York landmarks around the edge in relief. Artfully wrapped by Kate's Paperie staff though.

I also took a New York Times gift bag left behind(about half the ugly Republicans came straight from a NYT event:)

Dentyne with whitening gum
Halls fruit punch lozenges
A Garrad coupon for $100 off a $400 order
A Loews coupon for a $5 discount off a single movie ticket and one for a free popcorn
A coupon for a free month of the NYT
A surprisingly not awful white skinny cap-sleeved tee with The New York Times Style Magazine writtten across the back in black and pink.

Gift Bags Of The Damned [Where You Hope Your Mind Isn't]