We've given out a lot of awards to horrible press releases. For all you marketers, we'd like to show you how to do it: witness below today's press release from the band Haunted Pussy. We don't know who the hell they are — are they a joke? A Pepsi product? For real? We don't care. Solely on the basis of their mass email marketing, we have a new favorite band.

To Whom It May Concern:

We are a new band here in NYC. (Two hot guys, two hot girls.) And we
are hungry to rock you with our spooky operatic metal. And we need more
gigs, so please help us spread the word. We've played some rock clubs and
parties, and we definitely prefer to play parties. So, tell your
friends that we're available. We played a roof party with the Bunny Brains last
month, and that was utopian and awesome, and we want to do more stuff
like that. (We're a little like Suckdog, except that we rock much harder.)

We have two really fun gigs coming up which we hope that you will help
us promote, as we don't have a mailing list or anything like that, yet.
(We don't even own a computer! I'm doing this from my friend's house.)

THURSDAY, JULY 29th, 7 PM SHARP, 180 ORCHARD ST. $2

We're calling this one Tour Orchard (or "Tortured") : We're playing in
a really comfy stoner pad basement on Orchard St. between Houston and
Stanton Sts. ONLY TWO BUCKS! That only holds twenty audience members at
a time. We are going to do a set every half hour so we can squeeze
everyone in. (Our music is improvised and we do 20 minute sets.) ALL AGES.

Also, we're hoping to put together a free show in a cemetery late at
night, so if you know any cemeteries that don't have a tall fence,
please let us know.

THE STORY OF HAUNTED PUSSY:

Once upon a time, there lived a rich girl whose parents were always
away on vacation, leaving the girl in the care of the mansion staff. Of
course, the staff took turns raping and abusing the girl, until one day, when a
ghost visited the sad girl and promised to help her. But then, the
ghost raped her, too! However, it turned out that the ghost had impregnated
the girl with a baby ghost who would from then on, forever scare away
future rapists.

THE END