This review of restaurant-reviewers is probably two months old, dating from not long after Frank Bruni was named the NYT restaurant critic. Still, we've never seen it, and it's the most insanely obsessive thing ever. After about 90,000 words, in which he trashes NY Resident's Sheldon Landwehr's salt phobia, the "child-like writing" of NYT/Connecticut Stephanie Lyness, and NY mag's Adam Platt's description of an oyster as a "gooey square the color of sputum," the author coughs up a top five list:

1. Pascale Le Draulec, NYDN
 2. Robert Sietsema, V. V.
 3. William Grimes, NYT
 4. Eric Asimov, NYT
 5. Moira Hodgson, NYO

What did we learn? Restaurant freaks are the weirdest sort of freaks.
Who's The Fairest of Them All? [Slammed, via TMN]