It's our dream: what if Deborah Solomon, who does the Questions For... interviews in the NYT Mag, interviewed the Village Voice Shelter inquisitor Toni Schlesinger?

DS: You interview indigent dumbasses about their rent.

TS: Guilty. Did you know Drambuie ignites and can be used as a sunscreen? There was an old hobo who once gave backrubs under the boardwalk at Coney Island. He had an affinity for limes. Did I say hobo? I meant my cousin, Big Drama. He was in the union. What union? I didn't ask.

DS: Please die.

TS: Your skirt would look better off. It could be a tablecloth at Panna II. Do they call you D-Bomb? You're quite terse. Churlish. Brusque. Much like Sandy Duncan, or That Girl-era Marlo Thomas, sort of, if she were a COMPLETE bitch.

The Ultimate Interviewers' Grudge Match, Volume One [Fitted Sweats]