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Michael Julianelle of online mag Intrepid Media recounts a recent Brush With Ben Affleck While Employed In A Service Capacity at Boston restaurant Union Street. After word of Affleck's Pope-like gracing of the eating establishment leaked out, the media showed up to scour the premises for any blessed relics of The Visit. "US Weekly, People Magazine, the Boston Herald, something called the Star...all of them sent emissaries or made phone calls in an attempt to learn exactly what Ben ate, who he was with, what he was wearing (leather pants, I swear!), even where he sat." The writer gets a little fed up with all the coverage, and offers this imagined exchange as Affleck exited the restaurant:

Me: Would you like to eat downstairs in the dining room? It's less crowded.

God in a Red Sox cap: Yes, so long as I can tap a vein down there. I LOVE heroin.

Me (as we walk down the stairs, tantalizingly close to each other. The air is electric): You guys come from the [Red Sox] game?

Adonis with a goatee: No, we came from a bestiality orgy.

Me: Tough game [the Red Sox got killed].

Pimple on J-Lo's huge ass: Me and Damon humped goats, but I got jealous of Matt's goat, so I took off.

Me (showing him to his table): Here you go, your waitress will be with you in a moment.

O'Bannion (after removing ball-gag): God I hate blacks and women. Hey, I can do heroin down here, right?

Me: Enjoy!