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By now everyone knows that Madonna has taken the name "Esther" in conjunction with her Kabbalah faith (we guess the Catholics weren't so hot on trying to move copies of her crappy children's book). She says she wants to "attach [her]self to the energy of a new name," but is the name-switch really a cry for help? Blog Towleroad discovers a secret code in the new name; by some mystical Kabbalah process, typing "Esther" in the predictive text entry of your cell phone yields "DRUGS." We knew that there was a perfectly logical explanation for her erratic behavior. Perhaps once she's checked into rehab she'll abandon this cult-y nonsense and get back to the important business of wearing pointy bras and simulating masturbation on stage.

In case you don't buy this drugs theory, an angry rabbi lays it all out in the NYT. "What the Kabbalah Centre is, is equal parts of nonmystical and traditional Jewish wisdom and one part snake oil and hokum...The infatuation with it is L.A. at its worst the tendency to want it now, to want it without effort..." To clarify, "snake oil" is the one that goes in the vein and "hokum" is the one you do crowded into a bathroom stall with three of your new best friends.