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Attention NYT culture editor Steve Erlanger! The applications are in, and I think we've found a replacement for movie critic Elvis Mitchell for your paper. That was easy!

We judged entries solely on the first sentence, because who reads beyond that anyway? Therefore, our winning entry is this review of the classic stoner film, "How High":

What would happen if every time you smoked cannabis your friend from the dead would come back from the grave and give you the answers to all the pressing exams in your life, if you're Method Man and Redman you would ace your THC's which one may be inclined to compare to the GED'S and go to Harvard in the fall where you could bring your unique lifestyle to the masses that only know the Ivy League way of life.

Best. First. Sentence. Ever! Congratulations. And please enjoy our honorable mentions after the jump.

For the more academic-minded, there's this meditation:

Though the golem is a legend that dates back to the 16th century, it has become a way for authors to investigate modern problems plaguing society.

Turn that paper in soon, sister! The semester's almost over! And for the haters in the house, a NYC literary agent takes on Travolta:

The second, and hopefully last, of John Travolta's Scientology passion plays, "Battlefield Earth," like "Phenomenon," is religious propaganda masquerading as science fiction. [Ed Note: Extra credit for this entrant's vigorous closing: "However, contrary to cult-hater reports, nothing about "Battlefield Earth" will draw weak-minded viewers into the open arms of the Church of Scientology. That would be like saying "Showgirls" was a recruitment tool for strip clubs.]

It wasn't? Finally, our Miss Congeniality award goes to this randy young fella:

I really couldn't help myself — my hand was down inside my boxers before I knew it, and I was stroking to the sounds of my roomie banging some bitch he had picked up a frat party.

Not really a film review so much as... actual porn (pages and pages of it), but hey! Don't look gift porn in the mouth, that's what my parents always told me.

Thanks to everyone who applied for the NYT film critic job. Steve, let us know if you need any of these folks email addresses for preliminary interviews.