NYU's been a little tense since the suicide quotient has drastically risen these last few weeks. They should consider my John Hughes-esque high school's suicide prevention program — mandatory viewing of Ordinary People. Seriously, we were forced to watch the story of a Family In Crisis After An Attempted Teen Suicide every semester. Made me want to kill myself.

Dana has a fresh report from the sexy NYU library with the tempting abyss: "Just returned from a grueling experience at Bobst Library, which was reminiscent of The Great Escape. Because of the recent suicides you have to take the elevator to the 7th floor where the doors open and security guards with cattle prods force you onto the fire stairs. Even a moment's hesitation gets you yelled at. A serious jumper would have to get a running start from the elevator bank.

"They're erecting giant plastic shields to prevent anyone else from doing a runner off the 10th floor balcony. Choose Life!"
I Love My Dead Gay Son [#1 Hit Song]