Last night's Labyrinth Theater benefit shows exactly what's so terrifying about the world of contemporary theater. Our anonymous man on the inside delivers a blow-by-blow of the horrors of the world beyond the proscenium. Those not intimately involved in the theatre — and we hope that you are not — may want to steel themselves.

7:40pm We arrive at the theater in Union Square where the event is held, and descend into the basement.

7:41pm I order a martini at the open bar and am informed that it is actually a Hennessey Open Bar, and would I like a Hennessey Continental ? I am disappointed.

7:55pm I polish off my third Hennessey Continental. I love Hennessey now. I see Bebe Neuwerth and she s wearing tight jeans. She s disarmingly hot, and I seriously contemplate hitting on her, but chicken out.

8:00pm We are ushered upstairs into the main theater. There is a full-sized, elevated boxing ring set up where the stage would normally be. Our seats are ridiculously good, maybe 15 feet from the ring. I learn from my date that the reason for this is that our VIP tickets cost $400, and nearly choke on my Hennessey.

8:02pm I notice Brett Ratner sitting in the front row in between Anabella Sciorra and some model. He has an arm around each of them. I seriously contemplate calling out What up, playa? , but decide against it.

8:05pm Philip Seymour Hoffman climbs into the ring and talks about how great we are for supporting his theater, and then starts talking about how Madonna has remained hot for an improbably long period of time. I am a little confused, but become less so when

8:15pm Madonna shows up on stage out of nowhere and thanks Hoffman for thanking her for giving the theater a bunch of money, which apparently she did. Her hair is blond again, and she s really imposing in kind of a post-sexy way.

8:20pm Eric Bogosian shows up to act as auctioneer for a crazy drunk fundraising auction.

8:27pm Brett Ratner pays $5000 for a guest seat in the game of celebrity charades that is going to be played later in the night.

8:40pm I impulsively bid $700 to have Philip Seymour Hoffman come to my house on Christmas and recite A Christmas Carol.

8:44pm Some crazy rich guy actually pays $14,500 to have Philip Seymour Hoffman come to his house on Christmas and recite A Christmas Carol.

9:30pm The auction ends. The lights go down and some crazy MC guy jumps into the ring and the lights go down and Eye of the Tiger starts playing, really loud. Everyone gets excited. MC guy then introduces the members of the four celebrity charades teams, boxing-style. By which I mean, for each person, he gives a little preamble and says something like The Penetrator from Pittsburgh ..Phil .HOFFMAN! And then the celebrity sprints down this track and leaps into the ring and jumps around and mimes boxing while everybody screams and cheers adoringly.

A partial list of the players: Carla from Scrubs , Kristen Johnson (tall woman from 3rd Rock ), some playwright guy, Amy Sedaris, Bebe Neuwerth, Cynthia Rowley, Mya Rudolph and Amy Poehler from SNL, The stolen armoire/ You don t want to wear the ribbon? guy from Seinfeld, Elijah Wood (with a Taxi Driver -style mohawk), Merry and Pippin from Lord of the Rings, Philip Seymour Hoffman, Brett Ratner, Sam Rockwell, Ed Norton, Robin Williams.

9:30pm-10:30pm I realize that celebrities are really, really talented, and that watching them play ultra-competitive charades is almost inconceivably thrilling.

11:20pm I say you are AWESOME to Elijah Wood at the afterparty. We talk about Hennessey.

11:21pm - 3:00am Hazy.