It's ambitious gossip maven Lloyd Grove's third day at the Daily News. How's our little buddy doing?

Item the first: Disney CEO Michael Eisner has a warm and cuddly side, begins Mr. Grove. Uh, if Mike Eisner has a cuddly side, it's because he cut it off a panda and had it surgically adhered to himself. To continue: Eisner is writing a memoir of his youthful summers at camp, where Eisner reportedly developed his moral character. (Did they film Friday the 13th at this camp?.) Says "a publishing source," "He wrote a lot of [the memoir] himself, and I heard it was pretty awful." Verdict: possibly dull item rescued by barely-cloaked bitchiness.

Item two: Beverly Hills plastic surgeon disses Joan Rivers' drastic facial surgery on TV. Says Joan's evidently mafia-trained spokesman: "in the town of Hollywood, that is not a good thing." Item verdict: on the downside, a little west coast, and Joan Rivers jokes are as old as the borscht belt. On the plus side, seriously, someone had to say something about Joan's face.

Item three: yesteryear's hot downtown painter Damian Loeb broke off his engagement two years ago and is now planning on wedding a model. Dude: two years? Please, I've been engaged three times in the last two years. The real story on Loeb is: what the fuck happened to his career?

Today's Grove Grade: C+. He would have got a C, but we must support the nasty tone that's slowly infecting his column. If things progress in this vein, by next week Mr. Grove will be wandering the Upper East Side with a machete and a bottle of Night Train. We can't wait!
Lloyd Grove Lowdown [NY Daily News]