Preliminary reports from the scene of our hot breaking story, the Conde Nast animal parts in the janitorial area scandal, are horrifying beyond belief! One on-scene reporter took time from the riotous cafeteria hair-pulling contest to report that the "receptionist says it appears that it was a human birth."

More hardened souls are downplaying the extent to which MASSIVE AMOUNTS of ANIMAL or HUMAN PARTS are spread throughout the Conde Nast building: "Dears, Relax. No worries, it was just one of my own stray hairs which ran amok from the constraints of the gratis Paul Mitchell stiffening product we've all been enjoying. Sorry, it WILL NOT happen again. (Either that or it's a chicken bone c/o Popeye's takeout from casual Friday prior. Thanks Popeye's!)"