"Have you heard of the latest, most hippest, bullishit fad to come out of New York City? You got that right!!! It's called The Blackout. This is the coolest fucking thing to happen since flash mobs and electroclash concerts (for the three minutes when they were cool.) Try a fucking earthquake on for size, you whiners. And instead of meeting thousands of dorks at a random location and making animal noises for no fucking reason, I like to go to the beach in December and stare at hot chicks with fake tits.

(and our governor will kick your governor's ass)

-kyLe, hollywood, ca"

Dear "kyLe,"

I have actually lived in your Hollywood, on Cherokee near Yucca, in a very Melrose Place-style compound — except there, every Heather Locklear was born a man and was employed as a prostitute. And smoked crack. And when one got "playfully" pushed into the compound's pool, s/he would crack his/her head open on the waterless concrete bottom. A few days later, an ambulance would arrive, sending tranny-chasing celebrity clients scurrying for the back exits. Hollywood is just so super great! Land of dreams come true, I tell ya.

Anyway, it might surprise you to learn that we invented flash mobs way back when, right there in L.A. — they were called the Rodney King Riots, I think.

Your Governor is more than welcome to kick our Governor's ass. Ours bores us witless, and we don't pay him any mind. Of course, your Governor — hey! You don't really have a Governor, he forgot to call no take-backs! So if you're referring to your future Governator Schwarzenegger, well, he hasn't brought anything to this school but date rape and AIDS jokes, to quote Heathers.

If you ever visit our little burg of New York City, we'll make sure you get to actually touch some "hot chicks with fake tits," as you cutely and virginally put it. I can tell you really do live in L.A. from that; if you talked that way here, our "hot chicks" would have beaten your face in a long time ago.

Best regards to the land of fruits, nuts, and vegetables. (How many of those are you, by the way?) And please do get your state to fall away into the welcoming arms of the Pacific Ocean already.

Choire Sicha
Temporary Manager, Gawker's Blackout Drama Headquarters
New York City
Blackout of 2003 Lower East Side Awards [Lockhart Steele]
New York City economy loses $1 bln from blackout [Reuters]
War Stories at the Water Cooler [NYT]
Owners of looted store to sue city [NY Daily News]