Gawker has been forced by situations beyond our control to discuss... Britney Spears. We're sorry, but Britney is deep in the zeitgeist today. Right this second, literally thousands of New Yorkers are being paid to spin Britney, and they are working like Satan's own minions.

The Post's Page Six broke the story this morning: Britney pulled her exclusive interview with Maria Shriver at NBC to do a special at ABC. When we say "Britney" of course we mean her safety-padded team of whip-wielding trainers.

Britney yanked the NBC deal and took her dog and pony show to ABC for God only knows what kind of deal. (If you're that particular God, please drop us a line and fill us in. Or, you know, have us over for drinks.) ABC evidently went balls-to-the-wall in their competitive offer: come November 13th, the date of the scheduled interview with Diane Sawyer, it's going to be shows starring Britney before Britney concerts with commercials for Britney betwixt. It'll be the American Britney Corporation!

Currently being spread around: unsubstantiated interview with Chuck Klosterman of Esquire about his experience interviewing the Britster. How meta. In short, he calls her unsophisticated and unsmart. Strange, he's the first person to voice that opinion. In response, on the Britney message boards her fans accuse Klosterman of being into heavy metal, and slam him for being from North Dakota. As if Britney's birthplace, Kentwood, Louisiana, made her anything but the Queen of the Doublewide. But perhaps it's true what Britney fan Lisa retorts on the message board: "It is so stupid taht peopel do make her otu to be braindead seems as she got a's in school and shes a very smart bussiness woman..argh I used the word woman lol." Precisely.

There. All the Britney Britney Britney you can handle. Now stop paying attention to her and maybe she'll decompose in the lonely light of day.

Chuck Klosterman on Britney [World of Britney Forums]
Britney Drops Maria [Page Six]