I developed the rest of my California gubernatorial platform over last night's dinner (avocadoed avocado with cream of avocado). A few suggested reforms:
1. The statewide removal of all wicker furniture.
2. Does Vanity Fair get royalties for the Oscar party pictures in the bathroom at Morton's? I'm just asking.
3. Media criticism isn't one big creative writing workshop. ("I think your stuff is, like, totally valid, but we'd all be a little more comfortable with what you're saying it if you, like, used more 'giving' language.") A friend's explanation of the impulse: "In LA, you can't really dissect peopleeven at that superficial levelbecause there's, like, nothing underneath."
4. Army Archerd's Variety column: fewer dead people, more living people.
5. I've only been here for five days and already I feel dumber. Why is that? Can it be prevented?
6. A friend's opinion on whether an LA version of Gawker would be viable: "I don't know. People here don't really read...stuff." Reading is good. There should be more reading.
7. The children. Think of the children. [Dong Resin: "Running politicians always do the exact same thing : 'I'm for the children'. Doesn't matter what they're up for. 'I'm the state comptroller that will save our children.' I'll vote for the first motherfucker who announces "Kids? They're kind of self-absorbed, huh. Some of them look weird. They all seem retarded at some point... well, not Haley Joel Osment... he's kind of sexy."]
8. "Tubular," is not a complete sentence, either.
9. Hare Krishnas should not be allowed to have drums.
10. Dong Resin, again: "I'd never read the LA Times before. A loving profile of Ashton Kutcher is offered right on page one, after the local election news, but before the world news. This is your major newspaper. You are doomed."