Dear Readers:

I'm a little concerned that some of you are afraid to be honest with me. Some of you are simply incapable of revealing your true feelings. Beneath the mask that masks the various other masks that inevitably mask that one final mask that masks your true self, lurks a desire that cannot possibly be conveyed by simple declaratory statements. A desire, dear readers...for me. But I know what you really mean. I can read between the lines.

Some real-life examples from recent emails and their the obvious underlying meanings (translation mine):

"Get a life, you solipsistic asshole" REALLY MEANS "You are amazingly witty and smart. Can I be your friend? Please?"

"You are annoying" REALLY MEANS "God, I want you. Right now. You are amazingly witty and smart"

"You are even more annoying today than yesterday" REALLY MEANS "For lunch I had a cheese sandwich. It was very tasty. Also, you are amazingly witty and smart. Please write more about Tina Brown."

When will you learn to tell me how you really feel? When, dear readers, when?

Talk to me,
Elizabeth Spiers