From The Onion: "Kidnapped Hilton Sisters Appalled at Captor's Basement" NEW YORK According to Monday's New York Post, hotel heiresses Paris and Nicky Hilton are aghast over the condition of the basement of their kidnapper, William Henry Buntz. "My sources tell me that Paris and Nicky are bound-and-gagging over the less-than-tony trappings," Post Page Six gossip columnist Richard Johnson wrote. "Sources say their crazed captor has creeping crud and crawling centipedes in his cellar... and it's got the spoiled socialites in a snit!" As of press time, police have made no attempt to locate the sisters.
 Kidnapped Hilton Sisters Appalled at Captor's Basement [The Onion via Page Six]