If you didn't watch the Oscars, don't worry. (Seriously. Don't.) Choire from East/West documented the evening in excruciating detail. Some highlights:
· "Now Queen Latifah is singing with Catherine Zeta-Jones, some song from Chicago. Is Catherine preggers? Oh wow, she is. What are she and Michael Douglas thinking? Their children are going to have to wear helmets their entire lives."
· "Best actor: hot fox Adrian Brody! Who'd a thunk? From that Nazi piano movie. His nose is huge. I think I love him. I want to have a threeway with him and Halle. The more you stare at him the hotter he gets, like some sort of pornographic 3-D drawing. Wow, that sure is a nose. If he's against the war I really want to do him and his nose. I hope it's not fake."
· "Harrison Ford is so stoned up there on stage presenting. Dude is baked. OMG. POLANSKI WINS BEST DIRECTOR! Hollywood loves its non-extradited child rapists."
The Oscars: take it in the nose [East/West]